I just went back and read my previous postings and I am so aware of the fact that the Lord is so pleased with me. Most of us would never admit this openly for we are so hard on ourselves, and that is because so often, either our parents or those teachers, etc have been hard and/or critical on us. The time i shared of in May of not sleeping well, and just tired, and nauseated, well that is over. Then i discerned it was time to start a fast of two weeks. IKE'S, no coffee, and no facebook, oh my gosh!!! Then i again discerned, what is more important to you Nicole, freedom or crutches, hobbies etc? So the fast began. I have never been on such a unique fast. I need to stop and share, one thing that is pretty strong in me, is the fact i do hear the Lord / Holy Spirit daily. Not audibly, just discernment. I have had some awesome dreams too, revelational dreams too. So the fast begun and my diet changed, but what also shifted was I was aware of what "things" I could do, or not do. I kept getting BE STILL, quit doing so much. Now for me, to sit and not work is AHHHHHHHHHHH. I need to keep busy. So i did quit most Internet, but did check my email daily. I got my bible out, some of my books that i had read before, but honestly was ever so focused on Jesus and Abba , daddy. Days passed and then i knew i had to stay of the computer almost completely. I only checked the weather one day and some items Holy Spirit pointed out to me. I did some drawing, and even started a prayer focus in the morning watch 3am - 6am, as directed by Chuck Pierce. Twice on this fast, i humbled myself and told the Lord, I can't do this, i just can't. THEN the Lord took over and carried me again. I keep trying to do it all myself. Days passed and one thing after another started hitting me be it demonic or emotional. I was getting spiritual warfare school 100%. I learn so much hands on. The spirit that was so evil, i took authority over and went back to sleep, then again but it was so much weaker. Went back to sleep. I have been battling this stuff for about 8 years, and heard a testimony today through Glory of Zion, on that very topic. How many have battled, but breakthrough hasn't happened yet. I am still in waiting for my total deliverance, and as i read these cool books, that i already did, wow, so much keeps coming alive as i read and re-read it. My emotions are coming alive too. I shared before on how for 2 years now, i keep hearing Be angry but do not sin. Today, i started screaming, i just cant take this, THEN i wanted to destroy everything, tear down the wall, break everything i saw.............i kept screaming i can't take this. One more thing OK? As i keep reading the deliverance books, i noticed and discerned the spirit of hate, death, infirmity, anger, insomnia etc. SO i started throwing my pillows, hitting the wall, pounding the floor, AND THEN, I spoke HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME, HOW COULD YOU ABANDON ME YOUR DAUGHTER, YOUR BABY?!!!!! HOW COULD YOU!!?? AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! TEARS, TEARS, TEARS. Yes i have been crying for this entire season, but this time, after maybe 5-7 minutes passed, I felt something. Something was different, i felt freedom, peace. I waited another few minutes and went outside to my husband and shared this with him, and some other items too. It has been about an hour or 90 minutes, and the feeling of freedom remains. I read this in the deliverance books, that healing comes this way, not the deliverance part, but the healing part, when anger is released, and forgiveness given peace, and freedom is discerned. I have a list of people that I have been angry with, but most of my life as far back as i can remember, i have always spoken if someone apologizes for anything........"Oh that is OK, don't worry about it" All is well. So i have learned ALL IS NOT WELL!!!! I am important and this is the first of several anger/forgiving episodes. What are you angry about, and who do you need to forgive?