Sharing some deeper than normal items.......

Well, may I shift things here for a moment, hour, and/or chapter?
These last few days/hours have been ever so full of that which I have a hard time dealing with.
I have shared "some" of course not all, and to do so would be nearly impossible in one sitting, and then, there would be nothing left for next time.
Many know in part/a fraction of what i have dealt with. From adoption, to being abandoned by my parents. And then after my adopted parents (which get credit for they raised me for being my true parents), passed away, i went to find my birth mom, and then found my birth dad instead. This happened for all my life, it was explained to me that:
1.  I was adopted
2.  There was an article in the newspaper about me. (i didn't know the details).

After getting that article, i drove to the address in the article, parked, and knocked on the door. Of course no one lived there that knew me, and of course I didn't know them either.
As i sat in my vehicle my phone rang and it was my birth dad. We talked for some time, and I ended up going to where he lived here in Southern California.  I quickly learned he wasn't into God, and so I respected that, but still tried to be me. I found out many details of what truly happened in 1958.  The fiance' that took care of her fiance's kid, and actually cursed  me, did witchcraft etc. If i understand the newspaper article correctly (i got rid of a few years ago), she went to prison for the abuse. Since finding my dad, i have had these what i call "blankouts", and after learning from some christian books, that is from childhood trauma.
In the fall of 1958 my birth mom took me to a local hospital (where i was born) and left me there. Unbeknownst to my birth dad.  I contracted spinal meningitis and they did surgery on this abandoned baby.
I always knew that my birth dad named me Nicole and no one else had that name as I was growing up. I cherished my name and to this day declare in JESUS name that I have been, and will be VICTORIOUS IN JESUS/GOD.
All my life I have had some strange feelings and after finding my dad, they shifted or increased. One feeling I have had as far back as i can remember then progressed into the "blankouts".  Another feeling i have had is like a needle penetrating my skin in specific areas of my body and have wondered if the woman who did the horrible things to me as an infant is still alive. I have been prayed for so often, and "think" i discerned of the Lord a couple of years ago, 2009-2010 maybe,  Nicole, slow down, if we do it your way, you will/could surely die. But today, May 7th 2013, the little pain that has progressed or gotten stronger, just skyrocketed. So what does one do, when they have done everything they know to do..........  I keep claiming Isaiah 40:31.  I think we have always known as well, what would happen if things never changed, if you never got a job, what are your fears. I believe I have done a good job, for starting in 2007, a demon started manifesting in our bedroom at night, and after my husband took authority over it, my "feelings", a percentage of my feelings shifted and only a percentage of them progressed to the "blankout".  So that is still a percentage that do progress to the blankout. THEN last october, twice (after nearly 3 years of no manifestations), another spiritual manifestation.  These only happen if I am asleep. Now every time I go to bed, I pray the spiritual armor from Ephesians over me.  I share this today, for LORD, what is it, YOU want to share with me. Tonight my plans are to go to the healing rooms and from now on every week UNTIL breakthrough/break-off. I also have been made aware, that my entire life I have nearly always have had the mentality of if something that was done incorrect to me, do forgive, to say oh that is ok, and let it go. I have asked of the Lord, do i really harbor anger and don't know it. I want to understand the truth and to be set free.
SHALOM to you.............. and yeah, please pray for me.


  1. I am praying for you! ((((hugs))) I will pray to bind the evil forces working against you as well. I have an incredible book teaching me how to be a better mediator for others. I will not stop praying for you until you tell me the pain has stopped and not come back. Wondering . . . has the evil force you talked about before appeared again? Your friend and fellow blogger Wendy, Mom of many


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